Big Brother Africa: Why I'm the "Need Not Apply" Candidate!

Big Brother Africa (BBA) auditions are here again! Well, at least that's what I heard on the radio. I must admit that I quite the reality television nut. There is something alluring about watching real people facing real challenges or just making a fool of themselves on TV. I enjoyed the recently-ended Da Viva Sew Project on Ghana Television, I used to love watching people descend into Lord of the Flies-esque chaos on Survivor and MTV Real World marathons were always a wonderful source of inspr...procrastination.

Aside from cheese, clogs, windmills and Rutger Hauer, Big Brother is clearly the best thing to come out of the Netherlands! The first Big Brother Africa was a particular joy to watch. One of my bestest buddies from high school was selected to represent her country and opted to make it a complete surprise. You can imagine my shock on the opening night when my brother pointed out that there was a person in the house that looked a lot like her.... even sounded a lot like her....HANG ON...was her!! She made us all proud during her stint in the house. Even though I’m a fan of watching strangers sit around all day and get on each others' nerves, I have been contemplating the reasons why I would never survive in the Big Brother Africa house:

1. Not Ghanaian enough: Let's face it, my fellow Ghanaians would vote me off first. My presence in the house would be a source of irritation and out-rage and I'm inclined to agree with them. Although my accent has lost most of its foreign inflections (after years of constant practice), the average Ghanaian would be quick to detect that I'm a foreign inter-loper not worthy to represent Mother Ghana. Indeed this may be true. After all:

• I do not have any Ghanaian boarding school hazing experiences…I was bullied in boarding school elsewhere.
• I never read Courtesy for Boys and Girls
• The only time I watched the popular show Osofo Dadzie was on holiday or when some family friend had a bulky VHS tape from the Motherland

2. The Bore factor: I’m actually quite an un-interesting person. It is very rare to see me throw caution to the wind. I have had very few wild and wacky moments....(well, my friend Sagar would beg to differ but lets ignore him!) ….I just cannot see myself doing body shots of tequila off the armpits of strangers or playing truth or dare naked in a hot-tub.

3. The (Dreaded) Shower Hour: A guy I know tuned in to Big Brother Africa ONLY for the famed shower hour. This is enough to prevent me from EVER auditioning for the show.

4. I'm a news junkie: I need to know what is happening in the world around me. I cannot imagine being cut-off from the news for 90 days..even news about family and friends counts. In 2007, Big Brother Australia was under fire for not telling a contestant that her father had passed away. Scary world we live in...

5. The Age Factor: I will not lie...I'm no spring chicken! I know Big Brother UK does have a taste for more "mature" contestants but alas, this is Big Brother Africa and:

• The averge BBA candidate probably remembers enjoying Britney Spears' Baby one more time as their first video as a kid. I on the other hand enjoyed Billie Jean as my first video and REMEMBER the Thriller hype.**

• The average BBA contestant probably grew up listening to Westlife and think of the Backstreet Boys and N 'sync as classic boy-bands.....I grew up listening to New Edition and think of the Jackson 5** as a classic boy-band.

There are so many other reasons to mention but there is really no point since I would probably not make it past the first round of selections anyway! Sigh...I will have to be content enjoying Big Brother Africa from the comfort of my couch.

**Ironically, references to Michael Jackson were made before his untimely departure.